The burning bush or the burning bra? Whatever your form of divine intervention, you will take heed of the following Ten Commandments so that they may be forever cast into stone. Only the penitent woman shall pass into the religion that is Lesbianism....

1) Thou shalt choose a label
Just like every tin in your local Tesco you too will need a label. Choosing your label is not as easy as it used to be, these days it doesn’t come down to being Femme or Butch, like a packet of Skittles lesbians now come in many different flavours. Stone Butch, Lipstick, EMO, Dyke, Diesel, the list goes on ... confused yet? Choose your label carefully as thou shalt not do anything which does not fit your label without risking a very public stoning.

2) Thou shalt deny any experiences with men
If you are ever asked that inevitable question, "So, have you ever been with a man?" - you must, without hesitation deny it. To delay, or even worse answer "Yes" risks an awkward moment followed by strange looks, much cringing and swift change in conversation. Not even the most religious lesbian can cope with the reality of inter-sexual relationships. Congratulations! by denying your past you have now earned the status of a Gold Star lesbian.

3) Thou shalt NOT fall in love in a heartbeat
You will find some lesbians will treat your "relationship" like shopping for shoes that they have every intention of taking back once they have worn them once. On the other hand you will find women who are ready to declare there undying love to you after only chatting to you for one week on the Internet even if they live on another continent. Find balance, bawling "But, I love you" to an impassive looking partner that you have only known for a week is never the way forward.

4) Thou shalt NOT live a life of drama
Your every waking hour does not have to be lived like an episode of Jerry Springer. Its true lesbians seem to have a special knack for creating and sustaining chaos in their life but its exhausting way to live. To reduce your chances of a stress induced heart attack before you hit 30 release your pent up emotional stress by listening and singing along at the top of your voice to power-ballads or the latest Pink CD.

5) Thou shalt NOT attempt to convert the heterosexual
Unless you want to sound like that twat in the pub who was trying to convince you that a night with him would turn you straight don’t chase straight women. You may have heard recruiting 10 lesbians gets you a free toaster but I’m afraid it wasn't true. Its not a challenge, it's not 3 minute mental game in the Crystal Maze it's more like banging your head against a brick wall so save yourself the trouble and the embarrassment of rejection.

6) Thou shalt learn to attune your Gaydar
You must be able to identify other lesbians simply by looking at them (thus being able to filter out straight girls and not risk breaking the previous commandment). This is hard to do as not all lesbians flaunt their sexuality and that chick with the funky spiky hair cut you were perving at may be a straight chick who happens to have cool hair. If there is such a thing as a professional lesbian, when you can spot fellow lesbians in your local supermarket you will achieve this title.

7) Thou shalt learn to answer mundane questions
Can I watch? (before mentioned male twat in the pub) Are sure its not just a phase? (your parents) Do you fancy me? (your heterosexual friends) Dealing with these and many other mundane questions will be part of your everyday quest for diplomacy. Arm yourself with witty come backs to amuse yourself whilst answering these questions, although don't use these on your parents, save them for that twat in the pub.

8) Thou shalt learn to cope with discrimination
As a woman you may have already experienced discrimination and be experienced in fighting for equality. Once you are identified as a lesbian people will either intentionally or unintentionally discriminate against you. They will usually do with so with unfounded, biased, generalised views causing you to require a reptilian thick skin. Some day, our thick skins may mean were hunted so that Gucci can make handbags out of us.

9) Thou shalt practice safe sex
When beavers get busy, they build a dam. And so should you. Just because there isn't a man involved doesn't mean you won't catch some nasty STI. There is no magical force field around you, being a lesbian doesn’t prevent STI's any more than wearing a high visibility vest will prevent a car from hitting you. A dental dam is a girls best friend. And no, that doesn't mean a roll of clingfilm by the side of the bed!

10) Thou shalt get a convenience cat
A feline pet will keep you company on those lonely nights you don't have a lover to share your bed with. A convenience cat is a cat with many owners though. Loan your cat to your friends when they are lonely and you are not. The last thing you need is a dam cat purring at the bottom of the bed when you are being attentive to someone’s needs. Two pussies is company, three's a crowd ... most of the time ;)