Internet Dating Friend or Foe

It may not occur to you lucky few who happen to live in and around the gay Meccas that are London, Brighton and Manchester, but sometimes for the rest of us securing dates or finding suitable partners is not so easy. My own dating history, for example, reads less like a Mills and Boone bodice-ripper and more like a military manual on urban guerrilla warfare.

Recently, I found myself relocated to a geographical area where the words “Candy Bar” might as well be referring to a Kit-Kat. You can picture the scene: the local lesbian hang out has the feeling of the wild wild west, with everyone dropping into silence and giving you suspicious looks the second you walk in. Due to this tumbleweed effect, and being understandably bored of trying to get my straight friends into a bi-curious mood through the medium of beer (oh don’t give me that disapproving look, we’ve all done it!), my only remaining option is Internet Dating!

Up until this point, I had suspected that the horror stories of those who paddle the information superhighway looking for love, lust, or a combination of the two, were merely the amusing, attention-seeking ramblings of some of my more dramatic friends. I think we can all be a bit disappointed when things don’t turn out quite as Jane Austen as we expect them to. But no! I’m sorry for doubting you girls; the rumours are true!

For example, a friend of mine relishes telling and re-telling the tale of her most nightmarish Internet Date, as follows. She had grown close (if you catch my drift) to a girl she’d met on a now infamous Lesbian dating website, who was “a witty, sexy, leggy blonde”, or so she claimed. She was especially excited about their first meeting in the flesh, as it were, having already gone the whole insane hog in her head and mentally ordered matching towels, bought a cat and ordered the wicker furniture.

They apparently had a lot in common… well they were both women! So, the nesting urge having fully taken hold, my friend went halfway across the country to meet Internet Annie (names changed to minimise mortifying embarrassment) for a drink. MISTAKE!

On getting off the train she discovered that the “leggy” description referred mostly to the fact that she only had one of them. The “sexy” label, therefore, appeared to be heavily dependant on how attractive you can find a Heather Mills wannabe when you’re in shock. As for the “witty” part, I’m afraid my friend didn’t hang around to find out, inventing a family emergency and beating a hasty retreat.

I’m sad to report that this isn’t an isolated incident. Another friend of mine, proud of what was turning into the Internet success story we’re all waiting to hear, was equally surprised when, finally getting her lovely girl as far as the bedroom, she had to pause at a crucial moment so her date could get something out of her eye. That something turned out to be her ENTIRE eye-ball, which was false, apparently irritating her, and left to watch proceedings from the bed-side table. Needless to say, the mood was ruined!

This is not to say that all women on the Internet are missing vital body parts, nor that we should be prejudiced against disabilities. It does, however, highlight the main problem with meeting people on the Internet: you just never know who is really talking to you from out there in electronic space.

Unfortunately, people misrepresent themselves, and not just about the way they look either. I’m sure we’re all guilty of giving ourselves a personality make-over on-line. I personally have three Internet profiles; all of them different, none of which remind me of myself in any way. It’s almost like having a split personality, but apparently not as much fun.

My own attempts to meet people from computer-land have equally ended in disaster. The most common problem (and I’ve confirmed it with others) seems to be that, whilst many girls will chat for England when they’re safe at home in their own space, once you get them all to yourself in a pub they are struck down with selective mutism.

I was recently left drinking myself into oblivion with someone who could only grunt “pool” and occasionally chuckle. I should state at this point that this was at least preferable to the girl who spent all evening tell me about how she glassed her last girlfriend. A close friend of mine has also rung me in a panic from the toilets of a pub demanding I provide a reason for her to leave early and escape so she didn’t have to listen to a list of her dates convictions, which included fraud and drug dealing.

On the whole, Internet Dating is a commendable idea. Those who perhaps find it difficult for whatever reason to make easy connections with others can do it in the safety of their own home before unleashing themselves on the public (myself perhaps included). However, because of this, it seems to me that amongst many lovely women the world has to offer it also harbours the sort of people you wouldn’t want to meet down a dark alleyway and allows them to suck you into a false sense of security by masking who they truly are.

So forgive me ladies. I do not profess that you are all creatures from the black lagoon, or all criminally insane, it’s just that I am yet to happen upon anyone particularly genuine in my pursuit of a good evening out, and it seems it’s a risky business. As a wise woman once said to me, “it allows people to throw caution, and perhaps their pride, to the wind.” I therefore challenge you to prove me wrong!

Would you like to win a copy of Sinchronicity on DVD? Leave a comment below about your experience of "internet Dating" and we'll select one of you before 7th June.

Love Girls