This year on my 29th birthday, a friend suggested I write a list of ten things I wanted to achieve before I turned 30. She was aware of my fear of getting older and probably thought the list would help me focus on something and take my mind off turning the dreaded three zero.
I’d always hated birthdays, and the older I became the worse they got. My last two had been spent locked in my bedroom sobbing into my pillow and clutching photos of past girlfriends.
After some thought on the matter I accepted the challenge and began to compile a list of ten things I thought I should achieve by my thirtieth birthday. I soon discovered ten things was actually quite a lot to come up with so my list of ten turned into a measly list of five ...
Admittedly the last two probably weren’t what she had in mind but I figured that if I some how managed to achieve them it might boost my flagging confidence and make my journey towards middle age that much more enjoyable.
The first few items on the list were not too hard to tick off. I had been nearing the end of my 18 week training as a firefighter and two months after compiling the list I successfully graduated and was sent to a fire station with out too many knocks or bruises. So #1 was out of the way.
#2 Buy a new Mini Cooper turned into buy a classic Mini Cooper, which due to my pitiful bank balance eventually turned into me buying a Fiat Cinquecento for £500, a useless pile of metal if ever there was one, but on the bright side it did have a sun roof and I managed to find one in metallic pink, just for the camp value. Another one ticked off the list.
#3 Find a date for my brothers wedding. This one ended up solving itself. Due to the high numbers of guests attending the ceremony and the cost spiralling out of control, I wasn’t allowed to invite anyone and would have to go on my own. Although slightly annoyed I would have to sit through the occasion by myself it did mean I wouldn’t have to desperately ring around friends and ex’s or even worse resorting to begging someone from GaydarGirls to be my date for the day.
So the first three on the list were out of the way I set about #4, possibly the bogey of the pack, sleep with a teenage girl. Now this was going to be a tricky one, I was not even quite sure why it was on my list, I had never before had a thing for people younger then me, I can only put it down to me trying to prove I still had it in me to pull. Though why I felt they needed to be in the middle of puberty is anyone’s guess.
I was in luck however, for a few weeks I had been corresponding with a girl on GaydarGirls who claimed to be 20. It had so far only been in a friendly chatty way with the odd message here and there, until recently when she had began to become quite flirty and phoned me a few times and asked me out on a date. A number of things had made me suspicious that she may not be 20 and after some questioning I finally squeezed out of her that she was only 16!
Eventually 16 year old and I met up and I had to admit she was rather sexy. Without thinking I took her to the Candy Bar in Soho and of course we (she) was turned away for looking too young to drink so instead I bought her a Happy Meal in McDonalds. I did feel slightly uneasy when I noticed she was wearing a Spiderman backpack but assumed (hoped) this was down to her making a kitsch fashion statement rather then something she needed for nursery. Overall however, once I looked past the acne and ankle socks I couldn't help but be attracted to her, after all she was sexy and had a great ‘fully developed’ body. Although we did not have a great deal in common she seemed to be as attracted to me as I was to her.
After a couple more dates she eventually spent the night and I managed to tick off #4 on my list, actually I ticked if off a couple of time just to make sure.
I did realise quite soon that sleeping with a 16 year old was not the best decision I had ever made. The final straw came when I spotted her Child Bus Pass in her Spiderman backpack, after that I could no longer use my list as a justifiable reason to continue sleeping with her. Around the same time we had had a small argument and she began to turn into a Vikky Pollard type character sending me a text that read ‘OMG I fink ur an utta fukin prik’ so she had to go!
All said and done I think I’ve done fairly well with my list, although it has not made me feel one bit better about turning 30, instead it has just reinforced the fact that I’m a Fiat driving, dateless firefighter who should be on the sex offenders register.
And as for #5 contracting an STD, well I’ve made an appointment with the sexual health clinic in Hammersmith Hospital a week on Wednesday, so fingers crossed!
Does anyone else out there have a list of things they would like to do before their next major birthday? Share it with the rest of us for a chance to win Hot Fuzz on DVD.
Go Back
Rate It
Comments
TAF
Love Girls
Posted by Drew, at 15:50 on Mon, Jul 30th
although im only 20, its starting to seriously worry me how many young girls look a lot older!!
i made one of these lists a while ago after i broke up with my ex.. but mine was not what to do but who to do... sleazy i know, but setting yourself challenges totally helps to distract you from the breakup!!
e.g, an actress, a policewoman, a teacher, an employer.. then you can go furthur with it in to where.. employer on her office desk, musician backstage at a gig... etc.
my list of things to do before im 30 is quite small... Brighton pride next weekend then off around the world i go for as many adventures as i can find!!