Purple String Vs Gaydar

Am I the only gay girl who was born without a gaydar? My lack of ability to sense if a girl is straight or gay is beyond belief. On any given night out, guaranteed I am the person sniffing around the fag-hag all night long trying to suss out whether she likes chick or dick!

Fortunately my days of misfiring gaydar seemed to be a thing of the past when a mate of mine taking pity on me, pointed me in the right direction. Basically Arlan came up with this idea that if you wear a piece of purple string around your wrist that indicates you are a lesbian. If you wear the string on your right wrist you are single, on the left you are taken, genius! Apparently the craze is sweeping the U.S and has made its way to our shores. All I needed to do now was look out for girl with a purple piece of string around her wrist, and of course get myself one as well.

The purple string can be bought from Gay Girls Guide for just £1.75, including postage and packaging which is a bargain. Then again why pay when you can just find an old pair of purple knickers and pull enough thread from the stitching to wrap around your wrist a few times?

So with my piece of purple knicker thread around my wrist and new found knowledge of the new lesbian ‘secret society’ I was ready for action and was on the hunt for cunt. All I had to do was be on the look out for fellow wearers.

Immediately I came across a problem, to my horror I noticed my sister wore the identical same purple string as I did!

Could my older sister be a closet dyke, I sincerely hoped not, after all I was the only gay in the Masoud village. If she was a lesbian why had she never come out? She knows im gay and it’s never been an issue so how come if she is gay I’ve not seen her swinging off a pole in the candy bar. Thankfully It turned out, my sister was not gay but simply a Muslim (unlike myself), an Ismaili Muslim in fact, and as part of the culture they wear a piece of purple string around their wrist.

Thank god, the thought of going on the pull with my older sister was a bit much; I do become very sleazy after a few drinks, imagine if I got a bit too wasted and did the unthinkable, and instead of waking up next to a stranger (which ive often done) I woke up next to a relation.

A few weeks later and I had still no luck finding fellow purple string wearers, I hadn’t even spotted any other women wearing one apart from my sister. I was beginning to lose heart and assumed the whole thing was just another American nonsense story when I spied a rather dykey looking girl in my gym.

On closer inspection I noticed she had a mullet, she had a barb wire tattoo and yes you’ve guessed it she had a purple piece of string around her wrist. I did not fancy her in the least but was curious to see if she was gay and if she would notice my piece of purple knicker string too.

I coolly slid onto the tread mill next to her, trying to keep rhythm with her pace, a bad idea seeing as she was running at level 12 and I was panting away at level six. Eventually I managed to strike up a conversation with her at the juice bar. Under the pretence of being interested in her tattoos I gave her the third degree, where was she from, does she have a ‘partner’, which was her favourite spice girl etc. To my horror she turned out to be straight, and had a boyfriend called Toby who was a computer programmer from Croydon. The purple bit of string around her wrist was not bought from the Gay Girls Guide but was bought by her boyfriend from a market stall in India.

After this latest wrist band fiasco I gave up on my piece of purple knicker string and I have come to the conclusion that there is simply no full proof way of knowing if someone is gay or not. After all if a girl with a mullet and barb wire tattoo turns out to be straight then what is the world coming to.

In these modern times of the L Word and David Dickinson it’s no longer possible to pigeon hole someone for what they are wearing, or how they act and talk, you can never be sure just by looking at a person if they are gay or straight. Which is surely a good thing?

I myself favour the old fashion way of finding out a girl’s sexuality, and that is to do the honourable thing. Take the girl in question out for a drink, get her pissed and see if she will let you stick your hand in her knickers, if she does, Bingo she’s gay, if not, she’s Bisexual.

So how tuned in is your gaydar? Have you ever wasted a night chatting up a woman to find out she's straight? Do people assume your straight? Do you think the purple string idea will take off in the UK?

Love Girls