Colonic irrigation for those of you not aware is when water is passed into your bowels through a tube inserted in your rectum; the water then circulates through your colon and encourages your bowel to empty itself. Waste products are then passed out of your body through a tube.

Basically someone shoves a tube up your arse and floods your guts with water until all the shite comes out. Not really what I had in mind when I began working for LoveGirls but my rock paper scissors skills are obviously lacking and after losing 5 rounds I had no choice but to have the treatment. When I looked into the benefits it didn’t seem so bad, it can help with Acne, Asthma, Allergies, PMS and Weight problems to name a few.

There are many Colon treatment centres in the UK after a little research I chose to visit Common Sense in Clapham Common as it offered the best value for money. On arrival I found the clinic to be very clean looking and relaxing, which was a good start as I had visions of faeces hanging from the walls surrounded by flies the size of pigeons.

My driller (therapist) for the day would be Henriette, who immediately put me at ease with her polite manner and soft voice. I was told to undress and step into a hospital type gown. I then lay on the bed and turned onto my side and was told to relax, slightly hard considering I knew what was coming next.

Henriette then placed a rod smothered in KY Jelly up my backside, I had actually been looking forward to this part of the treatment for reasons I wont go into, unfortunately though, I was unable to feel a thing. I was then instructed to lay on my back whilst what I can only assume what was water was then pushed through the tube into my bottom and around my colon. The intention being to wash out what ever was in there, often waste and poisonous toxins that had been building up in over the years.

At first I didn’t feel much other then a slight period pain sensation, and for the first 15 minutes of the treatment I began to relax and chit chat with Henriette. As the time went on however my colon really began to get going, the feeling in my lower stomach became more intense. I could see the tube and the waste that was coming out of me and flowing through it, which I can only describe as the size, shape and colour of a Lion Bar. As the intensity increased I began to feel slightly light headed and wasn’t sure how much more I could take.

Thankfully the treatment only lasted around 40 minutes so it wasn’t much longer before the rod was finally being pulled out of me. To my utter horror when she removed the rod a case of severe leaking took place down my legs and backside. Poor Henriette had to use baby wipes to mop up the ‘matter’ from my bottom and back, she was sympathetically reassuring me this was a common thing to happen with patients however the look on her face begged to differ.

I was then instructed to visit the toilet to release what was left inside of me. Anyone who has seen the laxative scene in the Jim Carry film Dumb and Dumber will know what I mean when I say the toilet bowl took a battering. After a good ten minutes I pulled myself together and flushed, to my absolute mortification I had blocked the toilet, not just a little but full on clogged it up to its capacity. Head hung in shame I tiptoed out of the loo to again offer my apologies to poor Henriette.

Once the treatment was over with and I was dressed and ready to leave, I received some helpful advice on nutrition and was given some health supplements to take. Before saying our farewells she told me I needed to stay in the clinic for another 15 minutes, just in case there was still fluid that would need to come out of me, which apparently is often the case. Of course as soon as her back was turned I stupidly skipped out of the office and made my way to the tube, however I was very soon to realise if ever there was advice not to be ignored, that was it!

So to anyone travelling back on the central line last Tuesday between 4pm and 4.40pm I apologise, especially to those people unfortunate enough to be seated near me between Bethel Green and Mile End.

It’s been a few days since the treatment and I feel 100 times better already. I have more energy, better skin and even my pot belly has gone down (slightly), something I was unable to achieve by going to the gym three times a week for the past ten years. I would thoroughly recommend everyone has at least one colonic cleanse a year. The first treatment might well be a little intense but the benefits far out way the discomfort.

Common Sense is based in Clapham Common.
Tel: 0207 720 8817
Email: harrishenriette@hotmail.com

When making an appointment be sure to ask for Henriette, and say you’re from LoveGirls, she might put an extra bit of KY Jelly on the rod for you!