During a recent conversation with a friend it came to my attention that unlike most lesbians I know I have never been stalked, or stalked anyone. Now to the majority of you this might seem a good thing, but I feel like I’m missing out on something distinctly Dykey. After all, what self respecting gay girl has not sent / received 100 desperate texts in one day, or suffered / inflicted numerous needy Facebook messages from that random one night stand you had way back in April. Isn’t it understandable why I feel I’m missing out on the action?

So after careful consideration and an animated discussion with the Editor of LoveGirls I came to the conclusion that in order for me to have a taste of the pie I would either need to become a stalker or be stalked. It was too short notice to get someone obsessed enough to stalk me so it made sense for me to become the predator, a role I hopefully would be able to do justice.

As Editor and I tackled the challenge of how to become a lesbian stalker we discussed who would be my object of affection / victim. For the benefit of the readers of LoveGirls it would need to be someone in the public eye, gay or at least a gay icon, and of course fit or why else would I waste time stalking her! After much deliberation we came up with none other then Alecia Moore, better know as PINK.

Having always been more of a Christina Aguilera fan, suddenly acquiring an obsession with Pink was going to take a little work. So for three days solid I listened to her music non stop, watched her videos on repeat and even paid a visit to a synagogue after hearing she was Jewish. Having pushed Christina firmly out of my mind and immersed myself in every thing Pink, I felt ready to begin my stalking campaign.

Thankfully being a freelance journalist has its perks when it comes to knowing the whereabouts of celebrities and arranging interviews. As luck would have it Pink was performing across Europe and would shortly be in London. After countless unsuccessful requests for an interview and a rather abrupt conversation with her manager I realised I needed another way to get closer to her.

After much snooping and begging various journalist friends for information I uncovered a rather interesting fact, she lives in Hertfordshire. Yes that’s right, Pink, the girl from Philly who has sold over 15 million records, has both nipples pierced and has a bar code tattooed on the back of her neck actually lives North West of the M25, Harpenden to be exact. Apparently she rarely stays there but common sense would say, if she was going to be performing in London then she would definitely be staying in Harpenden. And now I had her address!

So on one wet Monday morning I set off to Harpenden. The idea was to find and then pursue Pink until we eventually fell in love, moved to Stoke Newington and adopted little Su Muo from Cambodia.

Monday 13th August 10:37
Arrived in Harpenden with photographer in tow. Headed straight for Pinks house. Distraught to find property surrounded by high walls. Park car about 50m from gate and wait.

Monday 13th August 11:07
Ask random passing biddy if she knows that Pink definitely lives in property, dirty look given by random biddy, not very helpful.

Monday 13th August 11:15
Climb tree, get out binoculars and begin scanning property. Notice large grounds, swimming pool, fountain, large mansion type house. Bingo! Aston Martin with personalised number plate "PINK".

Monday 13th August 11:30
Lay in wait for Pink to arrive

Monday 13th August 14:58
Still waiting for Pink to arrive

Monday 13th August 15:30
Feeling despondent (and slightly crazed) so escape to Pizza Express for lunch and new strategy meeting. Pizza Express crawling with hideous children. Flirt outrageously with the waitress (please forgive me Pink) and receive extra jalapenos on pizza.

Monday 13th August 16:51
Decide to write Pink a letter of my intentions using cut letters out of newspaper:

Put letter in post box.

Monday 13th August 18:15
Have been listening to Just Like A Pill of repeat for over an hour, I’m starting to feel rejected and vunerable. Photographer doesn’t seem to appreciate my pain.

Monday 13th August 20:13
Try again to call Pinks management and request meeting. No joy. Continue to monitor property using binoculars.

Monday 13h August 21:13
Decided to practice writing my name using Pinks surname.

Monday 13th August 22:00
Sing Stupid Girl at the top of my voice, Photographer joins in at the chorus.

Tuesday 14th August 02:00
Settle down for the night in front seat of car. Decide to be more pro active in stalking campaign tomorrow.

Tuesday 14th August 09:00
Woken by alarm.

Tuesday 14th August 09:50
Still no answer from Pinks management. A new course of action required. Why are they keeping us apart, don’t they know we are meant to be?

Tuesday 14th August 09:59
Decide to go threw Pinks rubbish bins. Find leftover of tofu casserole and used cotton buds with waxy tips. Will cherish forever.

Tuesday 14th August 11:17
Must let Pink know I’m here. Purchase roses and chocolates from florist. Write loving message on card.

Tuesday 14th August 12:00
Scale six foot fence into Pinks garden. Navigate past infrared security beams. Feel like I’m at home. Find Pinks car and lovingly place chocolates and roses on car window.

Tuesday 14th August 12:02
Might as well take advantage of being in Pinks garden. Decide to take a little dip in her fountain. Enjoy the sensation of cold water running threw my toes and imagine its Pinks hair running threw my toes instead.

Tuesday 14 August 12:13
Hide in Pinks bush, flower bush that is, after security appear at front door and chase me out of the properties ground.

Tuesday August 14th 12:15
Wont be put off by the haters, decide to cling on the front gate of Pinks house and sing at top of voice ‘IM COMING UP SO YOU BETTER GET THIS PARTY STARED, IM COMING UP IM COMING...’

Tuesday August 14th 12:33
Removed from property by Police and warned not to return or face arrest. Oh Pink why don’t they are understand, don’t they know no one can keep us apart?

Tuesday August 14th 12.52
Make my way out of Harpenden escorted my police, will be making a formal complaint as soon as I’m back home.

Tuesday August 14th 20:16
Take a lonely walk along Westminster Bridge. Pink is performing at Brixton Academy as I write this. I refuse to go. Can not bare to see all those nasty dykes throwing themselves at her. They don’t know Pink like me, oh I can’t go on.

Tuesday August 14th 21:03
Gaze out onto the Thames. Don’t think it’s going to work between me and Pink after all, she just comes across too needy.

Almost three months have passed since my Pink ‘Episode’. I fell in love, became obsessed and then moved on all within a week, I can honestly say I now feel like a true lesbian. I sometimes miss the feeling of obsession and desperation and hope one day to have someone feel that way about me. I’ve got a few possible candidates on GaydarGirls at the moment so fingers crossed!

I can finally empathise with my friends when they discuss various stalker stories although I feel like the experience left me hallow and without anything to show for my time other than a police caution. Desperation, neediness and psychopathic tendencies have never been an attractive feature ladies so turn your mobile phone off before you send that 50th text, if she didn’t reply to the first 49, it just may be time to give up on her. Now, let’s just hope Christina Aguilera will take me back!

We know stalking can be a serious subject, but hold off on the complaints, the article was wrote purely to entertain! :) Have you got a story you'd like to share about being stalked or stalking anyone? If you could stalk any celebrity who would it be?