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Toni

Ex Etiquette

by Toni

Win a copy of The L Word (Series 4) DVD - leave a comment letting us know about an experience you have had with an Ex.

Going from being in a relationship to being friends is never a smooth journey, sadly it's happened to me a few times and it always seems that both parties have different perceptions of what being an Ex involves. My first major breakup was with the first girl I ever really loved, well call her Kelly because that's her name! ;) We got engaged after a few months and were living together, the first sign things weren't going to work out was when I found out she had slept with someone else, always a giveaway that its time to move on. It was a textbook breakup, we talked for hours, tears flowed and we promised to always remain friends.

I was heartbroken when it ended but I picked myself up and moved on with my life, new relationships beginning and ending and friendships evolving whilst others sadly dissolved. I didn't hear from Kelly after a few months and those months eventually turned into years. I had forgotten her, or at least I was having too much fun to remember her.

Then, out of the blue, I get a phone call whilst I was at work. The person on the end of the phone sounded insistent, "Hi, it's Kelly. I really need to speak to you urgently. I know its been a while. Can you talk? Are you somewhere quiet?"

"Er, I'm at work. So no, it's not really quiet." I responded. I'd been caught off guard and for a few seconds my brain struggled to resolve Kelly with someone I knew. Unfortunately for me, I quickly remembered who Kelly was.

"Call me back when you have found somewhere quiet!" She gave me her number. I scribbled it down. The line went dead. I sat momentarily and pondered whether I gave a shit. I decided I didn't, but gave into curiosity instead. Punching the number into my phone, I leaned back into my chair having not bothered to find somewhere "quiet".

Barely one ring had completed when the line connected. "Hi, I'm glad you called. I have something really important to tell you. How are you?"

"I'm suprised to hear from you," I blurted, "but I'm good thanks. How did you get my number? I haven't heard from you in years! What's the emergency? Are you ok?"

"Look," she said seriously, "I don't want you to be upset, but I wanted you to be the first person I told. I didn't want you to hear it from anyone else."

Had she only six months to live? Had she won the lottery? Was she going to prison? Had she given me something she shouldn't have? The possibilities were racing through my mind.

"I'm getting married!" she announced bouncily. A slight pause followed. The pause quickly turned uncomfortable and I realised it was my turn to speak.

"Congratulations!" I blurted. My response was too late, but she appeared to ignore it. "She's very lucky," I said trying to recover, "I'm married too, isn't it great?"

Silence. I felt a chasm opening up below me, threatening to consume me. "You are already married?". She sounded genuinely shocked. Obviously she had expected me to still be crying in my Frosties over her. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"We both moved on remember," I replied, "I didn't think you'd want to know. We exchanged rings just over 4 years ago."

The conversation ended as abruptly as it had begun. I sensed that I wouldn't hear from Kelly again. Thank god!

I think there should be a manual, a compulsory booklet that they issue to everyone in schools like a chicken pox vaccination. The title of this booklet? Ex Etiquette. An idiots guide of precisely what not to do once you have split up with someone. This is a manual that needs to be written. The first chapter is entitled "When its over, its over". I think I'll write it, any suggestions?

Win a copy of The L Word (Series 4) DVD - leave a comment letting us know about an experience you have had with an Ex.

Showing 20 out of (58) Comments

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Posted by Leanna, at 15:08 on Wed, Sep 1st

I was best mates with this girl, but she moved, so we never talked for about a year. I have only just got in touch with her about 5 months ago, We got talking, and the next thing we we're together.
We went out for about 3 months, but it didn't feel right, so we split up and stayed friends. She came down to visit, and it was so akward, i was soo nervous, and then she didn't like me, we haven't talked for about a month now =/ i keep saying sorry to her, but it feels like she's ignoring me, and i can't get her out of my head. And now im with someone else, but i still think about my ex all the time.

Posted by nick's, at 15:53 on Sat, Jan 9th

ash if your talking about my story there you have got the wrong idea... We was so not married and she treated me like shit not the other way round and btw i'm 16 and tbh didnt understand half me what you just wrote

Posted by ashley, at 16:49 on Fri, Jan 8th

no she wasnt expecting you to be crying over her; she was showing you respect and you showed her disrespect in response. If you had any maturity your declaration should have been preceded with an apology and an awareness that you owed her the respect to let her know about your marriage when it happened. Yes her response was hurt and shock because you maliciously hurt her and now you are parading your story on the net (I mean, what kind of a loser are you anyway?) looking for approval from other no lifers like yourself?? I mean, how pathetic can you get? You are showing off about having 'too much fun' to contact her for years? what exactly are you trying to prove? there is nothing more despicable than treating an ex partner badly, especially when you claim to have loved her and been 'heartbroken'... grow up please. I am sick of reading rantings like yours on the internet. The truth is you were never able to get over your relationship with her in a healthy manner. And your marriage, if true, is nothing but a compromise to somebody for whom you have far less feelings for than you did with your ex, and that she met someone with whom she has surpassed the love she felt for you.
You need to learn about ex etiquette from your ex, she has shown you exctly how to behave and you have displayed how precisely not to, shame on you.

Posted by nick's, at 20:22 on Tue, Jan 5th

well my story is i was going out with this girl she was my first ever serious gf we where only going really wel at first... Them bout 2 month in i found out she was cheating on me with some lad... Well what does most people do... I asked if she was... From that moment on my life went to hell she got her mum involed who was also a lesbian she had huge problems with me from day one so she well reduced me to tears i go home later on the day i come back we get stuff sorted :) i was completly head over heals for this girl her name was jennifer june and well i ended it cause she was cheating everyone new and since the day we broke up we never made friends she picked fights with me thretand she did everything in her power to destory me she took all my friends eventually she stopped due to moving i still go back and everytime i'm near her we never make eye contact if s quick and brief my heart pound's still when i see is and could never go and talk to her... She completly gates my guts and i have hers :) lol (sorry bout the cbf spelling) nick

Posted by Ryan, at 05:03 on Fri, Feb 13th

My ex stole my cat.

2.5 months later, I found said stolen cat in a cardboard box with a note that said sorry.

If that isn't crazy, I don't know what is.

Posted by Andie, at 03:42 on Mon, Jan 19th

Ok...I am not trying to be rude at all... but what do girls see in other girls?...

Posted by Amanda, at 13:57 on Sun, Jan 18th

I split with my ex in August, after exactly 5 years.

We have a kid together so are forced to stay in touch.

She has a new gf now who she claims to be in love with, but every couple of weeks or so claims to be in love with me still, and er, things happen LOL.

I know she's playing mind games, one minute she wants to be my best mate and the next she wants nothin to do with me at all.

I'm kinda seeing someone else now, and want to be just mates with my ex. But don't know how to get to the friendship point.

I need that book! :)

Posted by deValois, at 05:02 on Sun, Sep 7th

The way I avoid the 'Ex-factor"? Not getting into relationships. It's such a shame, but practically every gay relationship I have ever witnessed have all seemed so frivolous. Gays are the most capricious people in the world I think. Why waste my time, and why should I waste your time, when it seems the gay curse is to hop around from relationship to relationship. Let's just all have fun and not be tied down by f****** labels. I know what you're thinking, I'm embittered, and don't let anyone in...am I right? Untrue. I prefer the bachelorette lifestyle. Call it being selfish, but it certainly eliminates the hassles of having to deal with conniving ex-broads. Travel the world, paint a picture, enjoy your friends, play soccer...who needs girlfriends and exes?

Posted by Kiama, at 21:11 on Sat, Sep 6th

I broke up with my 1st & only gf back in May 2005. She was paranoid that I was seeing someone even though I spent 24/7 with her. She wanted me to get pregnant to prove I loved her and I wasn't ready but she was a bit of a um well psycho is really the only word I know for it. After months of being bullied I ended up taking an overdose. She knew exactly what to do as she had been rushed into hospital many times for self harming. The next day I decided I loved myself and her too much to let things carry on this way. She reminded me that I said I'd never give up on her and I told her I wasn't giving up on her I was giving up on 'us'. 4 months later she texts me, then rings, she has since contacted me many times mostly either telling me she wants me, or just checking what I'm up to or her favourite - telling me she is pregnant. I was with her for a year and afterwards got with someone else for 3 years she never stopped causing problems and eventually we moved out of the area a year ago. Last week I had a text from her tellling that her baby is due on my next birthday(apparently this time she really is pregnant but why the hell do I need to know). I did love her very very much she was my 1st gf and will always have a place in my past - but thats exactly what it is the past.

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