Lesbian Forum - LoveGirls.co.uk

I've been with my girlfriend for just over a month but we were dating for about three I think. She broke up with me on Sunday cos she has some stuff going on with her family that she is worried about. we are both absolutely cut up about it cos we both feel the same way about eachother and want to be with eachother but can't.I am very understanding about this and I do get why she has done it cos she feels too much pressure to be there for her family. its hard but I respect her for wanting to be there completely for her family and sacrificing her own happiness to do that. I would wait for her, to clear a head for a few months and let the family stuff cool down a bit hopefully be resolved but but she keeps saying she doesn't want to hurt me so doesn't think we should do this but I am so willing even if at the end of the the few months her feelings have changed ( i don't think they will to be honest as our feelings are both incredibly strong) i would still do it.I think the reason she won't agree to this is because she doesn't want to be unfair to me and ask me to wait even though I am offering. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her, I just have that feeling.but I think she's about to throw it all away cos she hates the way she is treating me and won't forgive herself! What do I do to make her understand that I don't see it like that?

Honestly? I don’t think you can. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but life and experiences have taught me how difficult it is to change someone’s mind in a situation like this. All you can do is talk to her (or write her a letter or an email if talking is too difficult/not possible) about your feelings and about how you view the situation.

Have you tried this already? You do sound very supportive and understanding, but expressing your other feelings won’t make you a bad person; it’s all about how you do it. If you’ve talked to her before, you could try again, but I don’t think it’s something you can keep pushing. If she still doesn’t change her mind, you have to accept this. You’ve done (or will have done) all you can; unfortunately the ball isn’t in your court and you don’t have a choice in the matter. If it’s meant to be, it’ll work itself out, but sadly it isn’t up to you.

It’s sweet of you to say you’ll wait for her no matter what she does or how she feels, but this is something you should be cautious about. If her feelings do change and yours don’t, there’s nothing to wait for. I’m sure you’ll be OK whatever happens, but words of warning. Sometimes when people make an effort to cling to feelings and the belief that a relationship is meant to be, they end up feeling them even when they no longer want to. At some point they will want to move on, because we can only accept the pain for so long, but not everyone is able to due to living with the thoughts for so long. Do try and recognise if/when it’s a lost cause, even if it feels like your love for her is as strong (or stronger) than ever. Many, many people feel at some point that they’re so in love with someone that they won’t be able to move on or love somebody else. Time is almost always a healer when we allow it to be.

You've left out the reason for the split, it's OK if you don't want to mention it but it seems relevant. Certainly she seems to be putting them ahead of you in the queue for attention.

Also, she's not trusting you to deal with her problems, without such understanding you don't have a relationship. I suspect she needs a level of self inflicted hurt to work through what she is feeling, let her get on with it.

Tell her to get over herself and come back to you when she wants a real relationship

I thought the problem was that she had "family stuff" to deal with and feels too involved in it to have time for a relationship at the moment.

Well there are familes and there are Asian/Muslim/Christian familes...
It's still the girls attitude that is the problem I think, also way too much drama for a month old relationship.

If her gf loves her then she will want to hang on to MaryAnn at all costs, not be the brave little soldier and tell her to go on without her. Love is selfish and all consuming, not altruistic.

Hmm. I beg to differ. It can be, but not for everyone or every time. Some people are too attached to the family they grew up with, but even this isn't the only circumstance where similar situations occur. I let a partner go once when I realised it would be better for them (though I made sure it was clear that we couldn't be together again). It's something I'd told myself I would do if necessary, and I believe I'd do it again.

People seem to either believe that it's better to "fight" for a relationship or that "if you love someone, you let them go". I believe the latter. If I thought there was a chance at fighting; that there was something to fight for, I would, but to me love is about wanting what's best for your partner/loved one, no matter how you feel.

I didn't used to believe it, but experiences of trying to do the former and making exes more miserable or/and angry allowed me to think more about it, and gradually my feelings changed. Love may be all-consuming, but ideally it shouldn't be selfish.

That said, I agree about it sounding dramatic, and I think the best thing MaryAnn could do would be to try and move on with her life.

Umm, I'm thinking of emotionally selfish, not as in the act. That she belongs to me exclusively, not that she can't go shopping with her friend because I want my feet rubbed

Families are one of those things that must separate if you love someone, they were there to protect you 0-16, but as an adult you need to build your own life. If the choice is leave her or we disown you then that is a pretty clear test of how much you love someone, which is why I don't accept the brave solidier thing.
This is hypothetical, we don't actually know the family situation here and I doubt we will.
Also different cultures see things differently, but my baseline is Wuthering Heights, not some patriarchal system.

(Personally) I don't really see a situation where I can't be with someone or where it isn't acceptable to be emotionally selfish in wanting them above all other considerations. If you are willing to give your self completely to someone then the same response is expected, similarly there is nobody whom I wouldn't be willing to push off a metaphorical cliff if they interfered in my relationship.

I agree with you in that I think it should be like that, but you have to appreciate that not everyone is like us, and not everyone loves in the same way.

Actually, I say I agree, but... I don't know about you, but I spent many years believing my parent's love was conditional. Even now I think it's more of a tolerance. I looked to relationships to give me the love I desired (which wasn't healthy), and I was willing to give up my family and city if necessary. I had a partner in Canada who I loved, and when I went there I saw how beautiful the country is. Growing up I'd hated my town and wished for somewhere more beautiful and remote, but I'd never imagined that kind of environment. So, even though I knew how difficult immigration is, I wanted to move there. It was more difficult for me to picture leaving my best friends than my family. And then my niece started talking more, coming here more often, expressing her feelings (which we didn't force her to do), and I realised that for the first time in years (since my Gran died) there was someone who, for the time being, not only cared for me un-conditionally, but looked up to me; felt protected by me, and the worst things about me didn't matter when I was with her. And I no longer wanted to go, in spite of how much I loved my partner of the time (at least not until my niece was older and more of a pain ). I can't say it ("the worst things about me" not mattering) has been true of any of the romantic relationships I've been in, but I'm guessing this is the kind of family love people have when they find it difficult to choose between their family and their relationship.

Of course, that's not always the case to result in such a situation. For the people who are too afraid to "come out" to their family, maybe they love their family that way without thinking it's returned. It's all about fear. Some people are too afraid to risk losing or hurting the people who have been there all of their life. We know the latter can be true, because we know there are closet LGBT people who suffer miserably for the "sake" of their families. I think people are terrified of romantic love. Even when it consumes you, you don't necessarily believe it'll work out. People want something to fall back on.

So, although I agree that we do need to build our own lives as adults, we have to appreciate that not everyone does this (or will at least take longer to do it), even if you think it's silly.

A balance would be ideal. Everything out in the open and everyone getting along, ha. A lot of relationships where one person is in one situation (loving and accepting family) and the other's circumstances are different (won't come out to family due to fear) won't work out in the long-run, especially when it's a young couple.

Considering moving a chunk of this to a new thread, 'tis an interesting topic and I really doubt the OP is going to return, just debating the wording of the preamble.